hyacinth (in yellow)
by lloydskywalkers
Summary: Lloyd is a lot of things, but he's not jealous. The empty feeling as he watches Kai and Nya walk away with their parents could be any number of things. At least, that's what he's trying to tell Cole.


**It's that finals time of year again so I'm _so_ behind on replies and my fics in general, but I wrap up in a week or two so hopefully that won't last much longer :'D I already had this posted on tumblr so I'm gonna go ahead and put it here before I forget, but for a bit of background: I was talking with a friend about Lloyd post season 7, and someone else posted something about there not being enough Cole and Lloyd bonding content, so tada! Lloyd and Cole angst was the end result.**

* * *

Lloyd doesn't even _want_ to be leader.

That's all he can really focus on right now, the half-grudging sulk as he kicks at the dirt. They're all scattered around in the aftermath of the battle with the Krux and Acronix, weary and sweat-stained like they always are after this kind of thing. But they won today, so it's a happy kind of weariness, and the atmosphere is light enough that Lloyd can get away with pouting about it. It's childish of him, maybe, but it makes Kai laugh. Makes the others simply grin and roll their eyes, in the fond sort of way Lloyd's grown used to, the way that assures him that he's their little brother.

And that's why he does it — because sulking over that is _safe_.

Because if he focuses on that, the ugly churning in his stomach won't solidify into anything that lets his family know what a horrible person he is.

"They came back," Nya tells him when she catches him aside for a brief moment, looking like the world's flipped itself upside down and she's all the better for it. "They're alive, they didn't — they didn't even _mean_ to leave us, they were forced, they just wanted to come back to us—"

Lloyd smiles, and smiles and smiles and smiles, and tries to pretend that the happiness isn't starting to feel a little like poison.

He watches Kai and Nya's backs as they leave, shoulder to shoulder with their parents as Kai's mother exclaims over his hair. His stomach sinks as they go, an empty feeling different than the stress that's been wearing him down the past few days.

"They'll be back tomorrow," Cole tells him, and Lloyd feels his hand land on his shoulder, heavy and grounding.

He exhales, cheeks puffing up as he blows his breath out. "I know," he says. And he does. There's no doubt in his mind that Kai and Nya will return to the temple as soon as they've had time to catch up with their parents, if not sooner.

But Lloyd's never been one to believe himself that easily.

"Let's go home, huh?" Cole says. Lloyd gives him a tight nod, and he balances the Time Blade between his arm and side, the weight of it unusually heavy.

"Yeah," he says, heavily. "Let's go home."

* * *

Lloyd is happy for Kai and Nya — he _is_. He's so happy for them that his cheeks nearly split from smiling so much, because they look so _happy_, Kai and Nya and their parents. The world's finally done something right by them for once, because if anyone on earth deserves to be that happy, it's _them_.

And it makes sense. Kai and Nya are _Kai and Nya_, so steady and constant and just _good_ that of course their parents are the same. Of _course_ their parents were forced at sword-point to leave them. Of _course_ everything they ever did was to come back to their kids. Of course the universe deemed them fortunate enough to all find each other again, whole and together and _happy_—

Lloyd swallows, and it feels a bit like acid. He doesn't even know where his own mom is right now. He doesn't know where his uncle is, either.

He knows where his dad is. He doesn't want to think about that one.

He sighs, grinding the heel of his palm against his eye as he pulls open the kitchen cabinet, sifting through the boxes. It's just — _where did Uncle Wu leave the good tea, he better not have taken it with him_ — it's just that…well, Lloyd doesn't really know what's bothering him. That's a lie, he does, but he's just being _stupid_ about it and it's not worth getting this worked up over anyways.

Kai and Nya are Lloyd's family, but they're his family in a way that his blood family kind of isn't. They were the only family that didn't leave him, the only ones that stuck around through the worst of it.

And now they've got their real family back.

And he knows, he _knows_ Kai and Nya are as true as anyone could ask for, and they'd never go back on a promise, but Lloyd—

Lloyd's too familiar with the sharp sting of being abandoned that his stupid brain's decided it's just gonna jump the fence and start heading down that path already.

_Stop it_, he tells himself angrily, fingers tightening on the cabinet handle. _That's not what's happening_. Kai and Nya aren't going to leave, he's being ridiculous. They're just excited to have their family back, that's all. Lloyd can't blame them.

Their _real_ family, a family that protects them, that doesn't nearly get them killed every other day, that isn't a big fat burden that stole the title one of them wanted, a family that isn't broken anymore, so they should probably cut the broken part away now—

Lloyd's hands are white-knuckled on the cabinet handle, the fragile metal starting to creak. Oh, he's terrible, he's awful, he's a horrible person, what kind of _brother_ watches two of the people he loves most in the world get what they've lost back and feels like _this._

Lloyd swallows the hot wave of panic back. His chest feels a little like it's getting used as a pincushion, except instead of needles someone's sticking white-knives in there and grinding them deep. There's an ugly emotion building in his throat, scraping like sandpaper — he's felt it before, the envious kind of longing, felt it in _Morro_—

The handle snaps beneath his fingers, and the cabinet door clatters to the floor, steaming as the vibrant green lines shot through it slowly fade, hissing in the darkened kitchen. Lloyd stares at it blankly, a painful lump forming in his throat, built from churning frustration and the urge to scream like he's a child again.

"Shit," he murmurs instead.

"That better not have been a swear, Lloyd Montgomery."

Lloyd jerks around so violently he nearly snaps his neck, his power shooting through his fingertips like lightning before he can process that it's Cole's voice, not an enemy's.

"Don't _do_ that," he hisses through a relieved breath, his heart rate easing out the slightest bit. "And geez, the middle name? I can swear if I want."

"Nope. Not allowed."

Lloyd glares at him. Cole gives him an unapologetic shrug, stepping carefully over the fallen cabinet door. Lloyd makes a face, biting his lip.

"Don't worry about it," Cole says, as if reading his mind. "I've done worse. You should've seen the mast on the _Bounty_ one time."

"I did," Lloyd says. "I helped you fix it."

"Oh yeah," Cole huffs out a laugh. "I forgot about that."

Lloyd nods, not entirely trusting his voice. They stand there in silence for a beat, Lloyd staring at the floor and Cole staring at Lloyd, and Lloyd staring harder at the floor so he doesn't have to return the gaze.

"What'cha doing up so late?" Cole finally asks, glancing around the dim-lit kitchen. His eyes stop meaningfully on the tiny glowing numbers of the microwave clock, and Lloyd winces.

"I — wanted tea," he says, haltingly. "It's…Uncle Wu'd give it to me whenever I felt…wrong."

He immediately regrets answering, biting down on his tongue. So much for avoiding reminders.

"Oh," Cole says, either missing his falter entirely or ignoring it for Lloyd's sake. If it's the second, Cole's sneaking his way to favorite brother of the night. "You're looking in the wrong cabinet."

Cole squeezes by Lloyd, reaching up to one of the highest cabinets, the one Lloyd can't reach (_yet_). "Here," he says, rummaging briefly before pulling out a familiar box. "I dunno what he did with the nicer kind, but there's this at least."

"Thanks," Lloyd says, taking the box from him. He grimaces briefly. _Ginger_. He'd been looking for peppermint.

"You know, it's kinda nice outside, this time of night," Cole says. He's looking out the window, but Lloyd can still feel him watching. "Nice time for thinking. Or talking."

The statement is pointed, and Lloyd's shoulders hitch. "Yeah, yeah," he sighs. "Let's talk."

Cole gives him a crooked smile, then glances at the tea still clutched tightly in his hand. "You want help making that? I can—"

"No," Lloyd cuts over him quickly, shaking his head. "I got this. Wait…wait for me outside, I'll bring you some."

Cole eyes him carefully, and Lloyd tries to ignore the silent screaming in his head saying _leave, please leave_. It's not that Cole's doing anything wrong, or that he even _wants_ Cole to leave, but it's — making tea was one of the few things Lloyd had with Uncle Wu, and doing it _now_, right after he'd—

"I'll be on the east edge," Cole says quietly, and his footsteps fade. Lloyd lets out a shuddery breath of relief, and suddenly his nose is running, his vision blurring over as his eyes burn.

_Stupid ginger tea_, he thinks, sniffing furiously as he wipes his eyes, pulling the carefully packaged packet open. He wanted peppermint.

* * *

The east edge of the self-deemed Airjitzu Island (which is a lame title for a giant rock floating in the sky, really, but Lloyd's too tired to argue the point at the moment) just overlooks one of the sloping valleys of Ninjago, the tops of a mountain range Zane could name barely visible in the distance. In the morning, it's got a spectacular view of the sunrise, one Lloyd gets in trouble for looking at too much during dawn exercises.

At night, though, the east edge holds an almost kind of terror, a sheer drop into darkness broken only by the star-flecked sky above them. Lloyd can just glimpse the dull street lights that line a highway below, but other than that the island drops off into total darkness.

Naturally, Lloyd and Cole are most comfortable with their feet dangling off the edge.

"Here," Lloyd says, handing Cole the teacup as he takes a careful seat next to him. "I put a little cream and sugar in it — a _little_ sugar, I swear," he huffs at Cole's look.

Cole grins slightly, then takes a large sip. Lloyd watches the way his eyes widen briefly in panic, before realization hits and his shoulders slump in relief.

"I let it cool down a bit before I brought it out," Lloyd explains. "I figured you might still be…getting used to it. Drinking and eating, temperatures and stuff."

Cole's head droops a bit, but he gives him a rueful, sad sort of smile that isn't even really a smile in the first place. "Speaking from experience, huh."

Lloyd's shoulders tense, and he shakes his head. "It's not the same, really," he murmurs.

And it's not. Lloyd's experience with Morro is miles different than Cole's experience with being a ghost. Lloyd only went a few weeks without eating much — Cole couldn't eat or drink anything for _months_.

Plus, Lloyd was just _stupid_ when he finally got free of Morro. He'd eaten so much so fast that he'd made himself violently sick, which is probably what Cole is thinking of right now. But it's not like Lloyd was unfamiliar with the sharp pains of going hungry in the first place, and he should've known better. Cole's experience is different.

With Morro, Lloyd felt too _much_. As a ghost, Cole felt nothing.

"So," Cole sighs, cupping his tea between his hands.

"So," Lloyd echoes, watching him with an edge of nervousness.

"This sucks."

Lloyd blinks rapidly. The bitterness in his statement is as surprising as the fact that Cole's saying it in the first place.

"W-what?"

Cole looks at him, his eyes tired. "You know what," he says, sipping at his tea. "Parents."

"Oh," Lloyd breaths out.

"_Yeah_. It sucks." Cole exhales, his voice hollow. "I wanna be happy for them, but it — it _sucks_."

Lloyd looks down, kicking his legs out over the darkness. Something in his chest eases out even as the ugly feeling tightens. Maybe…maybe he isn't the only one feeling like he's swallowed poison today.

"It's just — it's not _fair," _Cole continues, tightly_._ "They get both their parents back, and I'm never gonna see her again—"

Cole cuts off, swallowing harshly. Lloyd watches wide-eyed as he turns away briefly, swiping at his eyes.

"Sorry," Cole mutters.

Lloyd quickly shakes his head, his hand reaching for Cole's shoulder before hesitating. "No, no, don't — it's fine," he says. He pauses, faltering. Cole isn't…super open about the painful stuff. Not with Lloyd. It's annoying, in a way, because Lloyd knows it's only because Cole sees him as his baby brother, and he's sure there's some _'gotta be rock strong_' mentality going on with his kind of protectiveness, but Lloyd _cares_ about Cole. A _lot_.

He _wants_ to know about his mother, whoever she was, quiet as Cole is about her.

But he'd never force anything out of him, so Lloyd's hand drops back into his lap, and he bites his lip.

"I get it," Lloyd speaks up, quietly. "I…feel the same way, I guess. It's not fair. I mean, it's never been fair before, so I dunno why I was expecting it to be — but I guess I was."

His hands tighten, and Lloyd feels the ugly hot pit in his stomach rising again.

"I'm jealous," Lloyd admits bitterly, glaring at his hands. "I know I shouldn't be, I know it's terrible but I'm — I'm jealous, Cole, what's _wrong_ with me?"

He looks up at his brother desperately, trying to fight back the burning in his eyes again. Cole's eyes widen briefly, and his expression cracks into what might be heartbreak as he sets a hand on Lloyd's shoulder.

"You—" he shakes his head. "You lost your dad. You just lost your uncle. There's _nothing_ wrong with you. Grieving doesn't make you a bad person, Lloyd."

"I'm not grieving, though!" Lloyd says, jerking from his hold as the panic spikes again. "I-I'm angry, I'm angry and jealous and stupid and — and—"

"That's part of grieving too," Cole says, and his voice is so gentle Lloyd wants to start crying on the spot. "Trust me, I know."

Lloyd makes a strangled sound, and he squeezes his eyes shut, shoulders strung tight. He kicks his leg out angrily this time, as if to force the emotion out that way.

"It's not just that," he gets out through gritted teeth, ignoring every impulse to shut up, to keep the awful fear buried far, far down where no one can ever see it. "It's— they have their real family now. So—"

Lloyd's chest seizes, and he's horrified to find a sob building in his throat.

_No, no_, he tells himself furiously. _You're the leader now. Leaders don't cry_.

He _doesn't cry._

Crying will chase Cole away, just like it did his mom, just like it did the kids at Darkley's. He'll leave him alone just like his dad did, just like Uncle Wu did, just like the hollow sinking feeling as he watched Kai and Nya's backs walk away from them—

"I can't," Lloyd gasps, his fingers so tight around the cup it's a marvel it hasn't shattered. "I _can't_, Cole, I can't go back to being alone again, I _can't_—"

Cole has an arm around him before Lloyd can realize he's moved, one arm wrapping around his shoulders and the other hand pushing against his back until Lloyd's face is pressed against his shoulder, the familiar smell of grass and cotton and cocoa grounding him.

"I can't either," Cole whispers, and Lloyd feels his grip tighten. "I can't either."

Lloyd lets out a shuddering breath, his fingers fisting in the back of Cole's shirt, tea forgotten. His chest feels like it's turning in on itself, trapping his heart in a vice-like hold, but he swallows it down, blinks back the burn.

He _does not cry._

"That's _not_ happening though," Cole continues fiercely, his own voice a bit raw. "You're not getting left alone. I promise, I _swear_. They'll come back, Lloyd. They wouldn't just leave us."

"Everyone leaves eventually," Lloyd croaks, miserably. "Sometimes you don't get a choice."

Cole takes a breath, and Lloyd feels his shoulders tremor as he goes quiet.

"We're different," he says, his voice quiet but firm. "We're not them, Lloyd. We've got a choice. And we'll choose right."

Lloyd stares into the dark fabric of Cole's t-shirt. His eyes ache, but they're dry.

This is the last time, he tells himself, as he buries his face in Cole's shoulder. The last time he lets himself break down like this. He's leader now.

Tomorrow, Kai and Nya will be back, and Lloyd's going to the best, happiest little brother for them that ever walked the earth.

He's going to be _strong_, just like Cole.


End file.
